Crack and Stupid
by BakuBakuRemix
Summary: Fanfiction-dot-net really needs a fancrack section, because humor/parody just doesn't quite cover it. Now rated T because tentacles.
1. Soupshipping

**AN: **  
M: I'm makin' soup!  
S: What kinda soup?  
M: Tendersoupping!  
S: ...well that's it, I'm writing a fanfic.

* * *

Oh, he loved cooking. He just _loved_ cooking . So happy for the cooking.

Cooking for Bakura was always extra rewarding. There were kisses involved!

And also hugs, but most kisses of of appreciative nature.

So, Ryou cooks for Bakura, if nothing else, to get kisses - and sometimes hugs - but mostly he's in it for the kisses.

Oh and also to feed himself, that is kind of important too.

And so, on with the cooking. Something delicious, decadent, it'll really make Bakura's day better.

Ryou liked being fancy, maybe he'd even wear a chef hat while he cooked it.

God, he loved cooking, it made him so happy to do nice things.

Because Ryou was such a nice, caring, kind person. The kind who pets puppies and saves kittens from trees.

Yes, oh the perfection of it all, and also cooking.

Ryou was now cooking, because Bakura would be home soon, and he would be so freaking happy to have food waiting for him.

Ryou didn't know where Bakura got to, maybe he was being nice and going to school for him because of reasons undisclosed.

Oh wait also Bakura is nice too, but doesn't save kittens or pet puppies.

The creation is finished, made all the more perfect because of the chef hat, because it is for Bakura and also Ryou is an excellent cook who loves cooking and also cooking.

Bakura will of course love it because Ryou made it and that is what makes it extra special fluffy bunnies and rainbows because of appreciation and all that crap.

"Ryou. I hate ramen."

Aw dammit.


	2. Tentacleshipping

**AN:** Story Removal: _Flight_ is dead. Sorry. _No Big Deal_ has been taken off too, but is pending a rewrite. We're not sorry 'cause that was pretty bad.

Not as bad as this, but at least this was intentional.

* * *

"I want to see the octopus!" Ryou squealed in delight, grabbing Bakura by the hand and literally dragging the spirit across the room against his will towards a big tank at the far end of the wide hall. Everything around them was surrounded by fishes, all underground and blue and other things that aquariums are, especially the part where they tend to be full of people.

Bakura hated crowded places. They were noisy and, like stated above, full of people. People everywhere. People to the left, people to the right, people beneath his feet - stupid kid, the floor isn't for lying on!

But he did like Ryou, so here they were.

Ryou currently had his face plastered comically up against the glass facing a freaking enormous octopus, with his hands splayed on either side like he was trying to give it a hug and hadn't noticed that there was a large obstacle between them. The creature was staring back at him with its great bulbous eyes. "'Kuraaaa, it's cuuuute," Ryou declared.

"Yes, adorable," Bakura agreed offhandedly, giving an uncomfortable shudder and looking away from the creepy thing as it moved its many arms. Much too wriggly, why couldn't his host like normal animals? People like Ryou were supposed to like things like kittens and puppies, not these rejects from the Shadow Realm. But the boy always was a weird one that way.

"I love youuu~" he was saying now, making Bakura turn around and frown when he noticed the comment was directed at the octopus. The thing couldn't even understand him, why was he bothering? And meanwhile, he was getting jealous of a cephalopod, this was getting ridiculous.

He shot the octopus a glare like it knew what that meant, seizing Ryou by the collar of his shirt and prying him away from the glass to loud flailing and protests. "Noo, 'Kura, I don't want to go yet!" Ryou turned around and gave him the biggest sad eyes ever.

Bakura sighed and released him at once, unable to go against that face. "Fine."

"Glee!" There was a suctioning sound as Ryou attached himself to the tank again. He very distinctly resembled a sea star.

"Hey 'Kura, can we get an octopus?" Oh god. "A reaaaaal big one?" Oh god.

"Uh. I don't think an octopus would be very happy in our apartment, yadonushi," he evaded to the best of his ability.

"Oh, I guess not." Whew..

Though now Bakura felt kind of bad, Ryou sounded so put out-

"Let's move to a bigger place!" Bakura's hand flew up to his face in exasperation. "With a big swimming pool, that'll make it happy, right?"

"We can't afford an octopus.." Bakura didn't even know why he was even bothering to try and explain this rationally, there was no room for logic in this conversation.

"But what if we-"

"Come on, let's get out of here." He grabbed Ryou about the shoulders and attempted to steer him away from the distracting creature in hopes that being away from it would stop the boys train of thought.

"Wait, listen, if we move _in_ to the aquarium, then we could-"

"We're not moving in with the octopus," Bakura said sternly, pushing him towards the door. "We're leaving."

"But you like octopus! I've read your manga, there's a _lot_ of tentacles in those so you must like them!"

"_LEAVING_."


	3. Clingyshipping

**AN:** Nope, no IC here.

* * *

"Stop, please?"

"Uh uh."

"This is getting silly."

"Don't care."

"I have to go to school!"

"No!"

Ryou's fingernails left long grooves in the doorframe as he was wrenched back inside by Bakura latched stubbornly about him, pulling with all his might. They ended up in a clumsy pile on the apartment floor, Ryou gasping from Bakura's arms still cinched around his waist like some demented human corset and flailing his limbs to get free.

"Hey." Ryou said stiffly, limbs going slack when he realized it was pointless and leaving him stuck turtle-like on his back as long as Bakura refused to let him go.

"Yes?" Bakura replied innocently from somewhere around his lower back.

"Let go of me."

"I don't want to."

"You're going to have to at some point."

"Nope."

"Yes."

"Nuh uh."

"School?"

"Coming with."

"Shopping?"

"Coming with."

"You hate shopping."

"Don't care."

"Showering?"

"...heeeee."

There was a long drawn out sigh as Ryou ran his hand over his face, staring up at the ceiling as though he were asking it for help. He wriggled in Bakura's grip, trying to sit himself up with extreme difficulty due to the person beneath him who wasn't making things any easier. "Let go, for just a second?" he asked with as much patience as he could muster, cringing when the arms tightened defiantly. "Just for a second! I want to get up."

Bakura complied and Ryou pushed himself off the floor, only to find the thief latched onto him again almost at once, half lying on his lap and his face buried in his side. Ryou sighed again, dropping a hand onto Bakura's head and stroking his hair absently. "I'm happy to see you too, but you really need to give me some space."

"I don't want to," came Bakura's muffled reply.

"You have your own body now, don't you want to do some things on your own?" Ryou asked as kindly as possible.

"No." As if to prove his point, Bakura's arms wound almost crushingly around him.

"Please?"

"_No_."

Try as he might, there was no way Ryou could force him off. Cursing his weak arms, he resorted to his final trump card that he'd decided to save for an emergency - not nearly expecting to use it within the first day, but the situation being what it was... "I'll tell the other Yugi."

"..."

"I will."

He could almost see the gears turning in Bakura's head. He didn't want to let go, but the Pharaoh was his _sworn enemy_, he couldn't just give up his dignity and let him see him like this, appearances were important to the thief.

Or so he'd thought. "Fine. Tell him."

Ryou's head lolled back helplessly on his shoulders in defeat. No matter how much he liked Bakura, he still felt like he ended up with the raw deal on spirits; first crazy homicidal, now this. It had been cute for about a minute, but then.. he bet Yugi wasn't having any trouble with the other one, and felt somewhat jealous.

That was an idea though, maybe Yugi had some advice! He reached upwards towards the table by the door, fumbling blindly for the telephone - oh if only he could see the thing - until he finally felt the device beneath his fingers.

Just as he was bringing it up to dial, it started to ring in his hands. Startled, he almost dropped it, pressing the on button with confusion and bringing it up to his ear. "Hello?"

"_Bakura-kun, help me! Mou hitori no boku won't let me go!_"


	4. Pantshipping

"Ryou! Wait! Don't! Please!" Bakura pleaded, tugging painfully on the ends of his own hair, his expression a mask of despair.

Ryou turned around, shaking his head in shame. "It's too late!" Bakura was the only one to blame.

Bakura's voice became high and shrill, giving Ryou the most convincing puppy-eyes he could muster. "It isn't! It isn't too late!" He mooshed his face up against the glass, clawing at it helplessly. "But I neeeeeed itttt!" Ryou knew Bakura was all bluster.

"I told you to check before you gave it to me! You forgot again, didn't you?" Ryou sighed, throwing his arms in the air, there was no use in lying. They went through this every single time. Oh god, was he _crying?_

"I _heard_ you, I just didn't _listen_!" He nearly wept, his eyes spinning with the motion of the machine. "My babies are in there, Ryou. _MY BABIES."_ He looked back at him sorrowfully, Ryou didn't understand.

Ryou let loose another sigh. Really, did he have to be so dramatic? "What did you have in there?" The boy asked, though his tone suggested he didn't really care all that much. He was quite sure he didn't want to know.

Bakura stared at him soundlessly for long moments, his mouth agape Yep, Bakura was thought processing alright. "Some..uh..Trading cards, my wallet, some condoms -"

"Okay! Okay that enough! -"

"Paperclip..some loose change..matches, pocketknife, that little stuffed rabbit plushie you like so much...-"

"Fluffy!" Ryou wailed, his eyes suddenly wide with horror. There was no way to get that door open!

"Some candy bars, your father's unpublished memoirs -"

"I NEVER SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT YOU THOSE CARGO PANTS!"

"A packet of ketchup, some batteries, a spare razor..."


	5. Clicheshipping

**AN**: I'm kidding, relax.

* * *

Once upon a time there was a Ryou and he was cute and adorable and an angel and all those good things that make guys into ideal ukes. He was all gentle and kind to everyone he met and super smart and gifted in many things, but modest and never did anything wrong in his whole life because he was a saint on earth.

But he was also very, very unlucky! His father, who unjustly ignored him after the death of Ryou's mother, gave him a glorious present for his birthday to make up for his absence, an ancient Egyptian relic known as the Millennium Ring. Ryou was so happy, because as forgiving as he was he understood why his father neglected him so and was happy for any shred of attention. He wore his present proudly.

Now, Ryou himself never did anything to hurt anyone ever because he was perfect. But the Millennium Ring was infused with the spirit of a vengeful man from three thousand years ago who sought revenge for the murder of his people. He stole Ryou's body and even his name, calling himself after his surname "Bakura", and attacked his friends to further his own means...

That was long in the past though. Defeated at the hands of the Pharaoh he called his enemy, both the former Egyptian king and Bakura himself were mystically given bodies of their own through some obscure ritual that is _far_ too complicated to be explained. It's not necessary anyway, he was brought back to life, so hush.

Ryou of course was still very much himself, even after undergoing things that he never should have had to suffer. His mind was full of gentle justice and he let Bakura stay with him because he couldn't stand to leave _anyone_ to suffer - even if this was the person who took all his friends from him, for now everyone he knew before didn't trust him. But Ryou didn't mind, because Ryou was selfless like that.

Despite this, Bakura was a bastard. Ryou had never shown Bakura anything but understanding and kindness and even let the spirit take his very name and body, but that wasn't enough for Bakura. Bakura wasn't content until he'd made Ryou suffer every minute of his existence, beating him mercilessly for no reason, simply because he's an asshole like that.

Ryou, being the kind soul he was, never asked Bakura why. He never cried, even though human bodies cry naturally when they are put under so much pain and that is impossible, and he never begged him to stop or pleaded for his life. He care for Bakura's every whim, cooking and cleaning and taking care of him as no one ever had before. Because Ryou was good.

Even with all this, Bakura wasn't swayed from his actions. He couldn't even explain to himself why he was doing this. "Why do I hurt him so?" he asked himself sometimes, after Ryou would simply get up and start washing up his own blood from the floor. "Why doesn't he fight back? And how did he get better so fast, I thought I broke his arm just now?" This of course was because Ryou was such an angel that even _injuries_ didn't hurt him for very long. He's that awesome.

One day, after months and months of this, Bakura decided to rape Ryou. Yep, just like that, he's really a bastard isn't he? I mean, he's never shown any kind of sexual interest before in anyone, let alone Ryou, but Ryou is just _so_ amazingly sexy I guess he just couldn't help himself.

So he forced himself on Ryou, and Ryou didn't complain even though Bakura didn't use lube because he's _still_ a cruel, heartless thing. He watched as Ryou pulled himself off the bed and went to clean himself and his magically healing injuries up.

"Why do you let me do this to you?" he asked suddenly, and Ryou turned around.

"Because I love you," he said simply, smiling at his tormentor.

Bakura's draw dropped open in shock. "Are you out of your fucking mind? I broke your legs yesterday, are you some kind of masochist?"

Ryou tested his legs experimentally. "Well, I got better - and I can't help it, I'm in love with you, Bakura."

"Why?" Bakura insisted, standing and going over to stand by his host.

"I.. you know that's a good question," Ryou replied, looking perplexed. "I mean you hurt me, you took all my friends, you don't do anything to support me, you've never done a single kind thing for me, heck you haven't even ever called me by name..."

Coughing lightly into his hand, Bakura avoided his eyes. "Ahem, yes.. so.. why?"

"I don't know, I just do," Ryou replied, smiling tenderly up at him. "I love you more than anything, you can do whatever you want to me and I won't complain."

Bakura nodded, crossing his arms. "Well, spontaneously I love you too, and I don't want to hurt you anymore."

"Wait, seriously?" Ryou asked, tilting his head in bewilderment.

"Seriously."

"All this time I could have just told you I loved you and you would have stopped, are you kidding me?"

"Guess so."

"Oh, alright then."

"Aw, thanks for forgiving me so fast."

"It's what I do. Now kiss me!" Ryou said, swooning in the spirit's arms.

Bakura grinned. "We're gonna do a _lot_ more than kissing, yadonushi- I mean Ryou."

Ryou blushed. "Okay! Because I am totally over your sudden raping and am definitely up for sex now. Yes. Can we use lube this time?"

"But of course, my love," Bakura replied, kissing his host softly.

And they lived retardedly ever after.


End file.
